What have you done to me? Just when I thought I broke out of the spell you had me under for five years, I turn around and find myself under a new one. And it’s still because of you. I thought I lost my ability to feel. I knew I could touch. But I thought I couldn’t feel. I’ve become so good at building force fields around myself, that if there are any feelings anywhere close to my vicinity, they would fly back like I’ve pushed them away with all the strength I have in my little arms. It was something I was proud of. It meant I couldn’t get hurt again. It meant I was safe.
And then he came along and swept me off my feet. And my force field was raised like a cloche from a plate. My safety blanket was gone and I felt it all. And I didn’t want to. I wanted him but I didn’t. I paved a road of self-discovery entirely on my own and I was still making my way down. And then he showed up on that road of mine. And I tried to swerve. But regardless, he was there. And I thought the road belonged to me. Only me. I’m too damaged to let anyone new in, no matter how bad I want them.
So this brings me back to the curse — either I don’t feel anything or I feel too much. I feel happiness and sorrow at the same time. I feel my heart beating faster and faster, but I feel it shattering simultaneously. It’s a dream and a nightmare, and I can’t decide if I want to wake up. Your curse is why I’m running away. It’s become so much more than getting to know myself. It’s turned into me not wanting to get to know anyone else, even more so when feelings get in the way. And now I’m torn between wanting to be loved and wanting to be left alone.
She loved you. Dear god, that girl loved you. You watched her give you all her time and energy. Meanwhile, you laughed in her face and walked away slowly, praying she wouldn’t notice you leaving. You stepped away in centimeters, though she would run endless miles for you. And you didn’t even care. You try to come around again, making it blatantly obvious that you want her back. Using a jealousy tactic, but still trying to be nostalgic with memories from a love that you left in shambles. But a year has passed and she is smarter. Stronger. Better. You try to sink her; to drown her in the sorrow that is broken dreams of a fucked up future. But in the last 12 months, she taught herself to float. She taught herself to fly. And she finally closed the door that you left cracked for a year. She moved on. It took a year for her to repair what you broke. And it took a year for you to realize that you love her. Dear god, you love that girl. You look back and see she gave you all her time and energy, and you try and chase after her. But now her boat’s halfway around the world.
I always referred to you as my eternal dance partner. Now I’m dancing with someone new and it’s like you were never even choreographed into the piece.
I loved him. But I didn’t love him the way I should have. Every piece of the puzzle that was my existence was broken, scattered, lost. My childhood dreams were swept under the rug while I tried everything in my power to keep my lover satisfied. My passions slowly vanished into thin air, as everything he wanted became everything I wanted. My life goals were put on hold, in fear that he would think I was being selfish, or that he would get bored of my same routine. But my routine stayed boring with every day I stuck to him. I lost everything to him. He consumed my every thought, my every dream, my every word. He was all I cared about. He took all my strength and all my energy.
And then I lost him.
I loved him. But I stopped loving myself. I lost who I was in 5 years. I had to rebuild — or rather, rediscover — who I was before he conquered my every decision. I am slowly but surely relighting my flame. The fire isn’t spreading quite as fast as I’d like it to, but there’s finally light in the room again.