force fields

What have you done to me? Just when I thought I broke out of the spell you had me under for five years, I turn around and find myself under a new one. And it’s still because of you. I thought I lost my ability to feel. I knew I could touch. But I thought I couldn’t feel. I’ve become so good at building force fields around myself, that if there are any feelings anywhere close to my vicinity, they would fly back like I’ve pushed them away with all the strength I have in my little arms. It was something I was proud of. It meant I couldn’t get hurt again. It meant I was safe.

And then he came along and swept me off my feet. And my force field was raised like a cloche from a plate. My safety blanket was gone and I felt it all. And I didn’t want to. I wanted him but I didn’t. I paved a road of self-discovery entirely on my own and I was still making my way down. And then he showed up on that road of mine. And I tried to swerve. But regardless, he was there. And I thought the road belonged to me. Only me. I’m too damaged to let anyone new in, no matter how bad I want them.

So this brings me back to the curse — either I don’t feel anything or I feel too much. I feel happiness and sorrow at the same time. I feel my heart beating faster and faster, but I feel it shattering simultaneously. It’s a dream and a nightmare, and I can’t decide if I want to wake up. Your curse is why I’m running away. It’s become so much more than getting to know myself. It’s turned into me not wanting to get to know anyone else, even more so when feelings get in the way. And now I’m torn between wanting to be loved and wanting to be left alone.


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