word vomit

As if this day could not get any worse. It’s 10:24pm and the last thing I wanted to do is end my day in tears. I’ve said previously that I am an avid thinker. I do so much of it that it ends up affecting me in the most negative way possible. I’m a pessimist. I put up this wall and decorate it with pictures and posters and things to make it seem like I am genuinely happy. But like anything else, if you take down the knick-knacks and do-dads, it’s still just a wall. An empty wall.

Tonight, my thinking brought me to a point where I couldn’t help but break down. For as long as I could remember, I was everyone’s ears. I was everyone’s shoulder to cry on. If someone needed me, I was there. I try to be as loyal as I can to everyone I love because that’s what I expect from them… or should expect, I suppose. If someone is having a bad day and say they need to call me, I keep my phone at its highest volume so I can answer immediately. If someone says they need to meet me somewhere, I’m sure to meet them 10 minutes earlier than they ask. I want to be able to consider myself a “good sister,” “good friend,” a “good girlfriend.” I’m nearly 20 years old, I’m not ashamed to say that the “golden rule” is still something I try to follow in my everyday life.

I don’t want to sound arrogant, I don’t want to sound like I think highly of myself because I don’t. At all. But I have to ask, why is it that I’m ears and a shoulder to cry on for everyone, but I spend every night crying into a pillow and talking to a journal or the keys of my laptop? Is it because I’m just that shitty of a person that people just don’t care to listen to me? Are my emotions just that irrelevant that I get cut off halfway through my rant, or even just completely ignored?

On the opposite side of the spectrum, I find it hard to trust anyone. My trust issues have gotten so bad over the years that I hardly tell anyone anything about myself. So could it be that I’m just holding all of this in? That I’m not bothering to even try to talk to anyone about my problems? This could ultimately be all my fault.

In the end, I don’t know who’s to blame, if anyone at all. My thoughts have taken over my day once again. I guess I’ll just grow content with my pillow catching my tears.

10:50pm.

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